| Turbo's responses to Twitard canned statements
||[May. 1st, 2011|10:39 pm]
A. Standard Responses
1. You have no life!
Turbo: ...I-I do so! I'm active in a robot stunt club, and I'm very active in my church, oh! And I'm a professional racer! And I like to knit...
I just don't like that book and I need somewhere to vent.
2. OMG How can you NOT like it? WTF is wrong with you?
Turbo: I'm not fond of the way it portrays an abusive relationship as "true love". I also don't like the flowery language that was used, especially when words were used improperly...
3. You're just in denial. You secretly LOVE it!
Turbo: No. I just don't like it. I'm sorry.
4. It's pointless to hate something.
Turbo: It is also pointless to argue over the dislike of a book.
5. Stop being a hypocrite!
Turbo: Hypocrisy is all around us, my friend. But peace be with you anyways.
6. You're immature (for speaking your opinion logically).
Turbo: -Headshake.- Think what you may. Peace be with you.
7. Something is seriously wrong with you!
Turbo: Over a book? I see no reason for there to be something seriously wrong over reading material.
8. Who you think you are?
Turbo: I'm DWN056, Turboman. I'm a Robot Master who participated in the seventh Wily War and the first winner of the Battle and Chase racing tournament.
9. OMG, it's just a book! Why are you taking it so seriously?
Turbo: I could ask you the same question. -Stern look.-
10. You're just jealous!
Turbo: What need have I to envy your choice of reading material?
10. You’re reading too much into it. (OR “You’re overanalyzing it.”)
Turbo: I'm sure there are extremists who enjoy the series and are making a false religion out of it as well, so the same could be applied to your ilk. -Very stern look.-
11. Think before you act.
Turbo: My only action is vocalizing a dislike. I see no reason why I should have to "think" very much before vocalizing dislike.
12. Your arguments are stupid. I didn’t see any of what you’re talking about.
Turbo: I've been reading about psychology, plus I've read the Frozen Apples Wiki after reading the books. I can point out line for line what is and isn't psychological abuse, retconning original canon, and other such details.
B. Assumptions About Anti-Twilighters
1. You probably haven't even read the book!
Turbo: I read the books and then returned them to their owner because I didn't like them.
2. You just don't understand the beauty of Edward and Bella's relationship.
Turbo: I see no beauty in stalking, violence, and emotional manipulation. My ex-girlfriend was into that kind of behavior and it still scares the jeepers out of me.
3. You're just jealous of Bella because she's prettier than you! (to females)
Turbo: I believe Plum is more qualified to answer this.
4. You're just jealous because Twilight's taking all the girls away! (to males)
Turbo: That is a generalization. It does not take "all" girls away. Just naive ones who are sucked into the reading material.
5. You've probably only seen the movie. Go read the books; they're SO much better!
Turbo: I've never seen the movie. I can't afford that luxury.
6. Wow, your love life must suck.
Turbo: My love life is fine, even if I have to go to confession after every mass because of it.
7. You don't have any idea of what romance is, do you?
Turbo: You toss that word around so casually. Yes, it can have the definition of a love affair, but it is much more than that. Romance can also mean a mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful. Such as God's love for humanity and Christ's sacrifice. It can also be a form of medieval literature, an embellished story, or, as a description, one of several languages derived from Latin.
Please do not test me, dear friend. Even kindly Catholic robots have their limits.
8. You’re too young/not mature enough to understand.
Turbo: Actually, I'm very much an adult and very much mature.
9. If you didn't like Twilight and you're a girl, you're probably a lesbian.
Turbo: One, that is a terrible generalization to make. Two, the dislike of a book has nothing to do with one's sexuality.
10. You probably only read the first one. You can’t get the full effect from that!
Turbo: I read all four. I got more than the full effect. -Retches.-
11. You don’t read it? Do you read AT ALL?
Turbo: I do read quite a bit. Perhaps not much literature other than Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, and The Lord of the Rings, but I am an avid reader. I must ask you one question. Do you read the Bible? I recommend it.
12. You just don’t have a very big vocabulary. You probably didn’t understand it.
Turbo: I may not have a broad vocabulary, but I do not need a massive vocabulary to understand that the books glorify suicide, lust, and abuse.
13. It’s okay. Someone will take pity on you one day and be your Edward.
Turbo: I do not need an "Edward". I have Nitro.
14. Only old, ugly men hate Twilight.
Turbo: I-I'm not ugly. Or old!
13. You probably have no friends.
Turbo: I have many friends--my friends from the Robot Stunt Club, my brothers from every generation, a few Light Numbers...
14. You must be very insecure about yourself.
Turbo: While that may be true, I do not have to compensate by mocking a book. I compensate by racing my hardest.
15. You must be the outcasts of society.
Turbo: Yes, it is rather hard being a robot in a human's world.
16. You must be really desperate!
Turbo: I'm not that desperate, actually. Please take your meandering logic elsewhere.
17. You’re just jealous that Edward loves Bella and not you!
Turbo: I said I don't need "Edward".
18. You don’t even know what you’re talking about!
Turbo: No, I know plenty.
C. You Just Hate…
1. You just hate romances.
Turbo: I'm actually rather fond of properly-done romances. This was handled improperly.
2. You only hate it because everyone else likes it!
Turbo: No. I dislike it because I've tried to give it a chance and see no redeemable qualities about a book I felt I needed to go to confessional after reading.
3. You just hate Mormons, don’t you?
Turbo: Actually, I know some very kind Mormons and am okay with those of another sect of Christianity. My dislike is only focused on Mrs. Meyer.
4. You just hate vampire/werewolf stories!
Turbo: Nay. I'm very fond of properly-done vampire/werewolf stories.
1. If you think Twilight sucked, why don't you go write a bestseller?
Turbo: Funny you should ask. I've been working on a novel.
2. Go to college and get an education! You really need it!
Turbo: ...I'm fine with my G.E.D., thank you.
E. Questioning Anti-Twlighters
1. If you hated it so much, why would you read it and analyze it?
Turbo: I read it to try to give the books a chance. I analyzed the books so I could have a good logical base with which to state not just my dislike but why I dislike.
2. If you hate it, why would you make a website about it?
Turbo: ...I do not own this site.
3. If you didn’t like the first one, why did you keep reading the series?
Turbo: As I said before, I was trying to give it a chance.
4. OMG, it’s just a book! Why are you taking it so seriously?
Turbo: You take it seriously as well.
5. You don’t read it? Do you read AT ALL?
Turbo: -Shoves a bible in your hands.- Read it.
6. If you hated the books, why would you buy them?
Turbo: I borrowed them, if you were even listening.
F. Denial of the Existence of the First Amendment
1. How DARE you say something against (our beloved) Twilight!
Turbo: -Trying to remain calm.- It is my first amendment right.
2. We can say whatever we want to! "Freedom of speech, baby!"
Turbo: Turnabout is fair play.
3. If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Turbo: I agree with you on this point and I have tried to be nothing but polite in simply telling you I dislike the books and why I dislike them.
4. WE DON'T LIKE YOU! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!
Turbo: Then stop following me.
5. You can express your opinion, but you seriously need to shut up.
Turbo: -Glowy red eyes.- ...It is my first amendment right to express myself in a manner I choose.
6. No one wants to hear what you have to say! If you hate Twilight, no one wants to hear it!
Turbo: No one that likes Twilight, that is.
7. I don't have a problem with you bashing Twilight, but just keep it to yourself.
Turbo: Then clearly you have a problem.
8. Stop ruining it for those who like it!
Turbo: There's not much to ruin that hasn't been ruined by the books themselves. -Grating noises in vocal chip.-
9. Honestly, your opinion doesn’t even matter to anyone!
Turbo: Hmph. No one's "opinion" matters in the grand scheme of things!
10. You can’t tell these fans that they’re delusional! That’s not nice! In fact, that’s immoral!
Turbo: The only fans that I call delusional are the ones who go out "searching for Edward" because he is fictional and they will not be finding him. I see no ethical dilemma in looking out for one's safety.
Turbo: This applies to each of the ten denials. It's perfectly fine for one to have "freedom of speech" while they're praising Twilight, but the moment someone says something negative it's suddenly a "crime"? It's a two way street, not a two dollar buffet. You can't just pick and choose what's "freedom of speech" and what's a "violation of rights". It's this kind of thinking that sickens me to my very core!
G. Defending Edward
1. Edward isn't abusive! He loves and protects Bella!
Turbo: Blocking someone, insulting someone, practicing psychological warfare, stalking, and dragging someone do not count as love and protection. That is physical and psychological abuse.
2. Edward isn't a stalker! It's so romantic that he watches Bella while she sleeps.
Turbo: He broke into her home to do so. Not only is that "breaking and entering" which is a felony, but it's also pretty DAMN creepy.
3. Edward didn't rape Bella! They were having sex!
Turbo: It was rape the moment Bella said "no". And rape is a felony.
4. Edward is SO hot/sexy/the sex.
Turbo: One's appearance has no bearing on getting away with crimes.
5. But Edward’s old fashioned!
Turbo: His behavior is nothing of the sort. It is reprehensible and downright horrible.
6. It’s not stalking if Bella’s asleep, you know.
Turbo Yes. It is. And it's breaking and entering, which is a fucking felony, as I have stated before. In addition, since he's peeking in on her, it can also be considered voyeurism.
7. So what if Edward’s perverted? He’s still hot!
Turbo: One's appearance does not bloody redeem their sins!
H. Defending Bella
1. How can you say Bella is shallow?
Turbo: Her every perception is based on the appearance of things and people, rather than any details about people or things.
2. Bella isn’t stupid! She read all those books!
Turbo: I've read the same books. Does this make me "not stupid"?
3. Bella isn't Stephenie Meyer! What the heck is a Mary Sue?
Turbo: Every piece of evidence indicates that Bella is an idealized version of Stephenie Meyer. In addition, I recommend you google the definition of a Mary Sue and save yourself the trouble.
4. Bella isn’t immature! She takes care of her dad and can cook!
Turbo: By your standards, my dear brother Crashman would be mature at the age of nine.
5. What do you mean Bella doesn't have flaws? She's clumsy!
Turbo: That's a flimsy flaw at best.
Want good flaws?
Let me point you to a robot with severe confidence issues that have led him to severe depression and alienation from even his closest friends at many points. Add in that physically, he is easily damaged by plasma shots, as well as boomerangs and saw blades. Add in a crippling phobia of dogs that has been simply triggered by the young robot in question simply trying to walk down the street and sends him into a severe panic attack. In addition, magnetic fields make severe trouble for him, as they draw him in without warning. This would be my brother Metalman.
Try a robot with severe anxiety issues that often lead to crippling emotional breakdowns or belligerent behavior. Sprinkle in some insane impulsivity that has nearly gotten him killed. Throw in his physical weakness to a weapon that essentially brings time to a screeching halt and makes his mass infinite and painful. In addition, throw in severe caffeine addiction that is to the point that it is exacerbating anxiety issues as well as impairing his life. This would be my older brother Quickman.
I. Defending Meyerpires and Meyerwolves
1. How do you know vampires can’t sparkle? Have you ever met one?
Turbo: My brother Shademan doesn't sparkle and he's a vampire. -Shrug.-
2. Imprinting isn’t pedophilia! It’s destined love!
Turbo: PREdestined love, where the younger party has no choice in the matter. In addition, it has the potential to become pedophilia, as the imprinter can make all the motions toward his imprintee to prepare them for the sexual acts.
3. Vampires and werewolves aren’t real anyway! SMeyer can write them however she wants!
Turbo: You make a valid point. However, in all due respect, it does not take back the fact that the way she is writing them does not lead back to the common mythos that many people hold as truth.
4. Vampires are sexier when they sparkle!
Turbo: Sparkles don't make things sexy. I should know.
5. Vampires can totally have sex! Who said they couldn't?
Turbo: Traditional folklore. In addition, it was stated innumerable times in the series before being ret-conned by Breaking Dawn.
J. Defending the Series
1. What are you talking about? Twilight TOTALLY relates to real life!
Turbo: Only in the respect of glorifying abusive behaviors and criminal behaviors.
2. Twilight's popular because it's a love story with action! What's not to like?
Turbo: The characters have the personality of a cardboard-cutout which allows the reader to self-insert into the story. And if that's action, I'd hate to see what a robot stunt club in Twilight would consider action. Hopping a ramp?
3. Twilight inspired kids to read!
Turbo: ...Partially true. But you know what else inspired kids to read? Harry -effing- Potter. As good as Harry Potter is, I still don't consider it "high literature" just so you know.
4. Twilight got me into reading!
Turbo: Fair enough. But what else have you branched out into reading?
5. Twilight sold tons of copies! It HAS to be good!
Turbo: Actually, next to the Bible, the best selling book in the world ia The Little Red Book by Mao Zedong, the guy who turned China communist. Every house in China is required BY LAW to own at least one copy of The Little Red Book. What's it about? Why communism rocks and how awesome Mao is. Does that mean it's good?
6. It’s FICTION. The books don’t need to be realistic!
Turbo: Books need to retain an element of realism to retain the ability to relate to readers.
7. What do you mean the books are inaccurate? They don’t need accuracy!
Turbo: Yes, they do need accuracy. One should not try to explain something with a failure of science. In addition, a writer should research the setting before they try to set a book in a place that really exists.
8. People aren’t going to think suicide is the only answer or look for Edward Cullen! That’s stupid!
Turbo: A few of your fellow Twilight fans seem to have missed that and have both searched for Edward Cullen and committed suicide.
9. It’s the greatest series ever!
Turbo: How DARE you declare that until you've read other series and watched different series.
10. It’s the first time that vampires and werewolves have been together! That’s totally original!
Turbo: It is not. Go do your research! The Underworld movies.
11. Twilight is an amazing and completely original saga! Everyone should love it!
Turbo: The same could be said about the Rainbow Warrior Miracle Kid games!
K. Defending Stephenie Meyer
1. Stephenie Meyer is an awesome writer! How can you say she sucks?
Turbo: She overuses a thesaurus and uses it to write drivel. She could Bedazzle the pile of crap forever, but it's still a huge pile of crap. I mean, if you like purple prose and the author's perverse dreams, that's your prerogative. I'm more fond of characterization, plot, and non-forced drama and action.
2. All you do is twist Stephenie Meyer's words!
Turbo: Readers are supposed to interpret books.
3. Stephenie Meyer can do whatever she wants in her books! Leave her alone!
Turbo: I'll give you that, but I still don't believe they were worth publishing outside of a harlequin romance publisher.
4. She had every right to stop writing Midnight Sun! The people who leaked it were cruel!
Turbo: Yes, it was cruel to Mrs. Meyer and her fans, but to those of us that dislike Twilight believe it was a blessing to us as it stopped the series.
5. How can you say Stephenie Meyer didn’t do research? Why does she need to?
Turbo: Because, like I said, if she's going to use science in her book, the science better check out. Otherwise it just looks foolish and implies that Mrs. Meyer knew how terrible her logic was and tried to explain it away. She also should have researched the setting.
6. Stop being mean to Stephenie Meyer! What did she ever do to you?
Turbo: We're not being mean to her if we're telling the truth.
7. Meyer is SO creative! She, like, made up vampires!
Turbo: Elizabeth Balthory and Vlad the Impaler were historical inspirations for vampires, thank you very much. Bram Stoker managed to create the vampire genre 108 years before Twilight's publishing date.
8. Vampires are real because Meyer couldn't have come up with something like that if they weren’t!
Metty: ...The Transformers are real too. <3 ROBOTS IN DISGUISE!
9. Just because SMeyer didn't MEAN to use themes and symbolism and other literary techniques doesn't mean there aren't any!
Turbo: The only literary technique in the Twilight series is purple prose. -Scoff-
10. You're just jealous of Stephenie Meyer because she's richer than you! I'll bet you've never had a book published!
Turbo: I don't need to have a book published to know that her book is drivel.
11. She never said she was pro-domestic violence, so she obviously isn’t!
Turbo: The words of her "novel" say otherwise. She ROMANTICIZES domestic violence and abuse.
L. Comparisons to Other Literature
1. Twilight is the best work of literature EVER.
Turbo: Then read other literature before making such a judgement.
2. You don't know what good literature is!
Turbo: How dare you make such a judgment! -Black exhaust and glowy red eyes.-
3. Stephen King doesn’t know what he’s talking about! He’s just jealous!
Turbo: He's a bloody genre-defining genius who has had more movies and miniseries based on his works than I can count on my fingers, toes and exhaust pipes and he doesn't know what he's talking about? Feh. Come back when you've read Kujo, Carrie, and Pet Semitary. Wait. Actually, you should also read The Shining and It as well!
4. ::insert good literature here:: is stupid because I couldn't understand it.
Turbo: Hmph, let's see how that judgement would hold up. Asimovism is stupid because I'm not programmed with the three laws. Broccoli isn't good because it's not potato chips. See how stupid that sounds? oh wait. OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T!
5. Books don’t need to have morals or symbolism!
Turbo: Maybe not, but you know what keeps readers interested longer? MORALS AND SYMBOLISM. Little things that show you the writer gives a hang about what they're writing.
6. WTF are you talking about? Twilight is SO much better than ::insert book here::
Turbo: You know what? Give me a detailed written explanation and maybe I'll believe your claim. And no, you may not use Wikipedia as a resource.
7. Twilight is the new Romeo and Juliet! (OR “Twilight is better than Romeo and Juliet.”)
Turbo: I will literally go batshit if I hear this fucking drivel again. The story behind Romeo and Juliet? Two star-crossed young lovers from feuding families fall in love and die. Its purpose? To show how toxic young love can be. The story behind Twilight? Stephenie Meyer had a perverse dream about a sparkling vampire-wannabe named Edward Cullen and had dream-sex with him and wanted to write her sexcapades!
8. Stoker/Hamilton/Whedon/Rice/etc. copied off of Stephenie!
Turbo: CHECK THE PUBLISH DATE YOU BLOODY IGNORAMUSES! Bram Stoker's novel Dracula was published in 1897. 108 fucking years before Twilight. IF ANYTHING, THAT DUMB BROAD OWES THE VAMPIRE GENRE TO STOKER.
9. Twilight’s better than what you’re reading!
Turbo: To quote my favorite book -- "...You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments."
M. Immaturity At Its Finest
1. ::insert string of swear words here::
Turbo: I must ask you first. Do you kiss your maternal unit with that mouth? Someone ought to wash your mouth out with copious amounts of lye soap.
2. Well, you're just stupid! (OR "You have no brain." OR "You're mentally retarded!")
Turbo: How dare you even make such judgments you petty child! -Motor rev of rage.-
3. Yeah, well you're ugly (so what you say doesn't matter).
Turbo: I dare you to say that to someone with a disfiguring injury or to someone who has a physical disability. If you spoke such things around St. Isadore Catholic Church of Monsteropolis, I can assure you the parishioners would not take lightly to your statements.
Turbo: Clean up your language, and..."You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain."
5. Shut up, you stupid hater!
Turbo: It is my God-given right to express my opinion and I will CONTINUE to express it.
6. You don’t like the Twilight series or Stephenie Meyer? GO DIE!
Turbo: My God have mercy on your soul for saying such things. Because I certainly wouldn't.
7. ::insert racism here::
Turbo: You do know that such language can land you time in jail under the right circumstances, correct?
8. Oh, go burn in Hell!
Turbo: I believe that is your job, heathen. -Hiss.-
9. You’re just a fat, ugly, 40-year-old male virgin that will never get laid!
Turbo: Actually, I'm a tall, broad-built hot rod. And I'd prefer to remain chaste until I have found myself in a committed relationship than to be of loose virtue as someone such as yourself is.
10. You must be a Nazi. (note: This comes up almost ALL the freakin’ time.)
Turbo: How dare you compare the dislike of a book to the atrocities that one race of humans have committed upon another race of humans! -Black plumes of exhaust, engine revving, red eyes of rage.-
11. Well…just…SHUT UP! (note: This occurs when the Twitard has been seriously owned.)
Turbo: Quiet your own damned mouth first, you heathen female of loose virtue!
N. Herd Mentality
1. There's more fans out there that love Twilight than people who hate it!
Turbo: And if all those fans jumped off a cliff, would you do the same?
2. You only have one Twilight hate website against a ton of Twilight fansites. We outnumber you!
Turbo: It isn't about numbers, I'm afraid. It's about tactics and your tactics are nothing more than puerile school-child tactics.
3. Seriously, why did you even put this video up? No one’s going to agree with you.
Turbo: Many who dislike Twilight already agree. Go take your pro-Twilight drivel elsewhere before I have to confess an irredeemable sin.
1. You take that back or I’ll beat you up!
Turbo: I'd like to see you even try. I'm built large and of high-grade thick steel. You'll break bones just trying to attack me.
2. If you don’t stop, you’ll have my friend to deal with.
Turbo: Fine. Let yourself be responsible for the injuries your friend suffers attempting to harm me. May the Lord have mercy on your soul.
3. Take down this video or I’ll report you on YouTube!
Turbo: Does this mean that I'm allowed to report every video that disparages cars that run on gasoline? -Scoff.-
4. Twilight is the Bible, and Edward Cullen is my god. You will PAY if you insult them!
Turbo: May the Lord have mercy on your heathen soul. I know my God and He will not forgive such transgressions against His holy name.
5. I’ll send Eddiekins after you!
Turbo: You can no more sic a fictional character upon me then you can drive a stick-shift car, child.
6. Give me the address of the mental institution you're staying at so I could make you more MENTAL!
Turbo: -Looks up a mental institution online.- I probably shouldn't bear false witness. Instead, I'm going to give you this address in hopes that you are checked into this institution to keep you from being a danger to others.
1. EDWARD CULLEN IS GOD!
Turbo: Thou shalt not have any other gods before God.
2. What do you mean vampires aren't real?
Turbo: They do not exist. They are a figment of your imagination. They are inspired by historical figures but do not exist!
3. Twilight isn't an obsession; it's a way of life!
Turbo: For everything there is a time and a place. Twilight has no place and time anywhere other than your free time when you feel like reading.
4. Bella is not a swan. She is a person.
Turbo: That was obvious from the get-go. She might as well be a swan for all I care, however. Perhaps it would make her a little more believable than just being a walking, talking blow-up doll.
5. Edward Cullen and Robert Pattinson are one and the same! Robert Pattinson is just hiding it!
Turbo: Do you even realize how stupid that sounds? If you cannot distinguish fantasy such as a movie from reality, you really do need your head examined!
6. I’m waiting for my Edward to take me away!
Turbo: -Eye roll.- Good riddance you heathen bitch.
7. Cullenism should be a major religion.
Turbo: Scientologists agree, because people would stop mocking them and move onto "Cullenists." However, I don't see any other major religion agreeing because it would be a blasphemy to all that is sacred and holy!
8. Edward can sparkle more than you!
Turbo: Since when does a hot-rod need to sparkle? You know who sparkles better and is allowed to sparkle? David Bowie, Alex Louis Armstrong, and Flashman.
9. Jacob is the new Black!
Turbo: I weep for the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black.
10. We should have Twilight as required reading!
Turbo: Only if it's required reading for "what not to do".
11. You're just stupid, vampires and werewolves exist but not those other things, like pixies and elves.
Turbo: None of those creatures exist. Not vampires and werewolves, or even pixies, elves, and hobbits. If you're unable to distinguish fantasy from reality, I suggest you go to a counselor or to the mental institution I'm referring you to.
12. If you know anyone who doesn’t like Twilight or hasn’t heard of it, convert them! Force feed them Twilight passages until they love it!
Turbo: Torture was already outlawed by the government. I'd change that statement if i were you, because the government can and will come for you if you try.
13. You suck! Even Edward would drain YOUR blood.
Turbo: Hope he likes motor oil and transmission fluid.
14. It’s okay. Someone will take pity on you one day and be your Edward.
Turbo: FOR THE LAST BLOODY TIME, I DON'T NEED AN EDWARD.
15. No one would stalk you! You WISH you were that special!
Turbo: Too late. I've already had a stalker that left me horrified and paranoid for a few years after the incident. How dare you speak something like this to the victim of a stalking.